Lessons From My 19th Year
Started on June 2, 2023. My 19th birthday (technically, I have completed 19 years). This is a lessons-based recap for everything I have learned this past year. These are all lessons which I have probably heard many times before but they never solidified until this past year when new experiences have made me relearn them the hard way. Sorry the subject changes constantly between “you” and “I.” Sometimes it is easier to write about myself in the third person. I hope it does not challenge your understanding of these lessons.
I. The people around you are one of the most important things in your life
My parents have often repeated to me, “you are the sum total of the 5 people you surround yourself with.” I always smiled and nodded to acknowledge their advice, but I can’t say I truly understood it until this past year. There’s a few reasons for that, but I think the most important is that in high school, I spent a lot of time around my family (parents, siblings, family friends, etc) and all of them have been great influences. At college, though, a lot of this changed. I realized that in high school, I wasn’t nearly as driven or ambitious as I am at college. That’s purely because of the environment. Being surrounded by students and faculty pushing the boundaries of human understanding and working to solve some of our most pressing issues is incredibly motivating - and it pushes me to be more than I was in high school. However, college has also made me feel a bit lost at times. Sometimes I feel like my values aren’t reciprocated within friendships and that’s really tough to reconcile. I’ve realized that people who detract from your true being slowly end up corrupting that being. This has caused me to code switch at times, in an attempt to “fit in.” After realizing that this was at the core of my problems at Princeton, I decided to put a fair amount of thought into which of my friendships I value the most and why. So these are my refined set of standards for who I want to surround myself with: 1. They are better than me (smarter, fitter, kinder, etc.) 2. They genuinely push me to be a better person 3. They are genuinely excited for you when you succeed 4. They are generous in their time and attention 5. They build you back up when you fail or make a mistake 6. They give you honest and critical feedback 7. Their opinions of you are rooted in something deeper than gossip Obviously, this list will continue to grow and change as I have more experiences.
II. Forgive yourself
You are a human. At the end of the day, every single human makes mistakes. It is part of the human experience. You are not your mistakes - don’t let them define you. But, it is a great disservice to yourself to make the same mistakes twice. Learn rigorously from every mistake you make. Always forgive yourself as life is too short to live with regret and hatred towards yourself. If you don’t make mistakes you aren’t growing.
III. Take criticisms/new directions critically rather than emotionally
In the vast majority of cases, people tell you things to help you. They tell you that you are hypocritical or sensitive because they love you and want you to grow. Listen objectively and with an open mind. Knee-jerk reactions to dismiss their advice need to be avoided. I still struggle with this but I think I have gotten a lot better. Even if in the moment I occasionally reject their ideas, I will give it a deeper thought after the conversation is over. Learn from the experience of others and it will limit you making similar mistakes. When someone challenges you or your ideas, thank them. Let them prove you wrong. Let others change your mind.
IV. Step out of your comfort zones - great experiences await
A life in comfort is not one worth living. Scared of marine life? Go scuba diving. Scared of the deep ocean? Go swimming at night. Fears are meant to be conquered. All that is learned can be unlearned. Insecurities respond well to exposure. I used to hate olives and mushrooms. The more I eat them, the more I like them. I used to be insecure of the scars on my back. Now, I feel comfortable with them because of exposing that insecurity more and more. Growth requires discomfort and a desire to colonize your fears.
V. Self Awareness might be the most important thing in the world
I feel pretty confident in my self awareness but I love it when people tell me I’m not. The people I love to surround myself with are self aware. I think I want to write more on cultivating self awareness so I will leave this a little short.
VI. Learn to be alone more
Self awareness requires introspection and introspection requires being alone. You are your best therapist when you journal. You can calm your anxieties with meditation. Everything related to your body, your mind, and your energy are within your control.
VII. Thought loops can be conquered quickly - just act/communicate
If you think about something for more than 36 hours, chances are it can be quickly solved with a conversation. Act on whatever is bothering you instead of letting it dominate your life. When something is out of your control, do everything you possibly can and then let it go.
VIII. Jump right in and then perfect
Don’t let perfectionism stop you from doing these. Act first, then perfect. Think about it like chess. Spending 100s of hours memorizing every opening line isn’t as effective as just playing more games with analysis. Once you start acting, look on ways to optimize. Also like rowing - you started with just random workouts and pieces then read up on SS and other concepts to develop a plan that worked for you. This blog is also really ugly right now. But at least you are writing.
IX. Expectation breeds disappointment
Expect nothing. Work for everything. Do not do anything with the expectation that you deserve the reward. You deserve nothing. And you are entirely responsible for the outcome. If you don’t make it onto the rowing team it means you did not work hard enough. If you don’t do well on a test it means you did not study hard enough. Own responsibility when you fail. Especially applies to situations with other people. No one owes you closure or another conversation. Accept the fact that anyone can walk away from you at any time - there are billions more people to replace them.
X. The world is really, really big. Princeton and home are two very small parts of it
This experience in Barcelona was needed. Princeton is tiny. High school and Roslyn Heights were tiny. Never forget that. When you were the saddest it was because you felt that everything around you was poisoned to hate you. That is never true. You will never see the locals you play beach volleyball with again. You will likely never see the majority of the people you hung out with in Barcelona again. You will never see Adrian’s LA friends (Lauren, Bradley, and Noa) again. You will likely never see some of the SMU people again (Emma, Sophia, Melanie, Maddie). Yet think about how great meeting those people has been to you. Always push yourself to meet new people and develop deeper relationships with those that you enjoy spending time with. Find people outside of your group.
XI. Values must define your actions
You know your values. And you know which actions would break them. Be a man of your word (Integrity). Compassionate. Generous. Let those guide every single action you take. Compliment instantaneously. Forgive freely.
XII. When people tell you that you cannot do something, let them watch you.
So many people have problems when they watch someone push themself. It makes them uncomfortable (maybe sometimes jealous). Never let naysayers prevent you from doing something. Anything is possible if you want it bad enough.
XIII. Don’t punish yourself over how other people feel.
You cannot control how others feel. You cannot control how others feel. You cannot control how others feel. You cannot control how others feel. You cannot control how others feel. You cannot control how others feel. You cannot control how others feel. You cannot control how others feel. Every feeling is an interpretation of a situation which is highly unique to everyone. Don’t take ownership of another person’s baggage. Let them process it on their own. Your intentions are always pure - you never wish malice on anyone. So naturally all of your actions are well-intentioned. Never forget that.
XIV. Relinquish control
Sometimes, life has its own plans. Do not try and control every last detail. Let things take their natural course. There is a plan for us all. And you are too small to change those plans. Capitalize on when life is going well for you. Slow down when it isn’t. Let others act the way they want to. And go with the flow. Listen to your body and mind. Don’t let others influence how you act. Relinquish control to the universe.